Monday, August 04, 2008
Choose To Believe The Best
Blinded, I just couldn't see that my mind was playing tricks on me. I knew never knew, and I just couldn't see it, I never knew what mind was trying to tell me. If I only would have known that something was wrong. I would have probably just let it go and instead just following it up, definitely not worth the headaches. The best thing would be to just forget about it and just let it die. But, sometimes it is hard to know if a thought is really true. I wish I could just stop all of the mind games, and find the truth, but the human mind is so complex, and it can lead you in many directions, it will be tough to wrestle with the thoughts that occur in your mind. I think anything can trigger a thought. I just wish I could just zap all of these negative thoughts and change them into positive thoughts. I guess if you don't know what to believe let it go, and always chose to believe the best until you know. Not thinking about is the only way you are going to have peace, you got to gradually try to start the process so you can erase the thought from memory. I am not going to think about it any longer, I just want to bury this puzzling mystery. I just know I can't depend on my mind for answers, because the lies can overrule the true thoughts. I just can't depend on it anymore. It is easy to set myself up, for destruction,. It would be a shame that, I destroyed myself with my own thoughts, and I just couldn't live with myself, if I was the reason for this destruction. I just can't live thinking this way, I just have to throw it away.
blinded, and I just could see what my mind was trying to do to me. Before I chose this new way of thinking I just always wondered has the animosity been lingering all along, while I was blinded, thinking everything was just fine. Sometimes a person can be just as hard as a rock under a sugar coated candy shell. It is like you start out sweet and then turn bittersweet somewhere along the way. I have just started to open up my eyes and ears. Just because I don't know the truth, I not going to believe it. If I ever get to the bottom of this mystery I will be able to make a conclusion,. But, now it is just all speculation. But, I think I am going to choose to believe the best.
blinded, and I just couldn't see that my mind was playing tricks on me. I don't want to think something is true, I want to actually know that it is true. But, it going to be tough to know what it is real and what is false. I don't know what the truth is, and I can't make any conclusions until I know. It is just a puzzling mystery. This is similar to an unsolved crime, and it is a possibiltiy that you will never be able to solve the crime. This is just a mystery that will be left unsolved, until there is more evidence. I really don't know what is going on, and I just don't know what to believe. I never wanted it to be this way. Lately, I have had this strange feeling that has come upon just recently. Something just feels so wrong, and I can't tell what it is. I want to be wrong, I just hope I am wrong, please let me be wrong. I hope this is all just another mind game, But, no matter what I think I am going to chose to believe the best.

Sunday, August 03, 2008
12 Hours Ago
When I enter, I will no longer be the same as I was 12 hours ago. If I could only just disappear, or if I only had a twin, someone who looks just like me to pull this off. After the 6 hours is over I want be the same, I will leave feeling tired and overworked. Then when I get home I more wired than ever before, due to fact that I am a restless being. But, I think I ignore the fact that I need to rest, I guess I may think that I am immortal. I need rest as much as I need water, and I need food as much as I need shelter. But, you know sometimes I do feel like there is no blood in my veins, sometimes it feels like I am running off of gasoline. I guess because I spend so much time on the clock, and it just steals a lot of my time. See when you are living your life based on the clock it will never change, it will always be the same, if don't take action. I could be using my time where it is most needed. But, sometimes work is like an escape for me, because it is very chaotic at home, but I just can't run from it forever. I going to have to deal with it one day. But, I don't think I could deal with being home for too long, because it is chaotic. I need to getaway and escape sometimes. Work is not my favorite escape, but I would rather be there than here sometimes. It is definitely not worth the headaches

Saturday, August 02, 2008
I Don’t Want To Turn Into The Villian
My biggest fear would be turning into the Villian. I'm certainly not here to make enemies, I'm only here to make friends. I just get this strange vibe some time that funny feeling inside, that make me wonder if ever really had a friend. I don't know what it is, but it gives me chills. It doesn't bother me, it just makes me see, how the world can be. I just don't know about all these so-called friends who will stab you in the back in the end. I want to communicate, and I want to relate, but is it just a little to late. I know that each day I wake, I can feel the earth shake, and it keeps me awake. And there always something that is going to shake the world no matter how you try to stabilize it, and it just wonder makes you wonder what will happen next. Could life just all be one big huge setup.work in progress

Friday, August 01, 2008
Sometimes When I Watch Her Sleep
I'm dreading the day, the day when she has to leave. But I know that it going to come if I live. I don't know how I will be when it happens. I just don't want to be surprised, which is why it is good to prepare for this day of sadness and joy. I just pray that it doesn't happen anytime soon. This is not the first time that I have lost someone, so I know the feeling. It can hurts, and the feeling is al I am still feeling it. It is just a feeling that never goes away, it a feeling that lives in you, but it doesn't affect your ability to live everyday life, because I guess you just get used to something not being there, it makes it easier to live. Actually it is the only way, to be able to cope, because you have to live your life. When a person dies, many would like you to go on with your life, but it can be so hard to go on living everyday. Eventhough their absence, and your not in there presence, you know that their spirit will always be living. I have just learn to love at a distance, I just don't have to be close to something or someone to have a connection. The distance just gives me time. Have you ever been miles away, and still feel be able to feel something or someone's presence. I think I'm going to have to learn to be a little more detached to get unattached, so it will not hurt as much. I could imagine me in a crowded room, seeing here lying there lifeless, wishing that she was breathing, thinking about the other night when we having a conversation. She seemed fine yesterday, who would have ever thought that she would be lying here today. She is just lying there just as stiff, and lifeless as a paperweight. It is sad that when she is underneath the ground I will never be able to see her face again. I will never be able to talk to her in-person again. While she is lying there lifeless, and I standing over here wishing that she was alive, I thinking about the trip that we took yesterday. While she is lying here lifeless and I and standing over here, I am thinking about all the things I said, all the things that I never meant to say. While she lying there lifeless and I am standing over her wishing that she were here. It hasn't happended yet ,but I just wonder how is it going to be when t happens. I really don't want to imagine life without her, but I'm going to have to prepare for it.. She is here with me now, living and breathing right now, sometimes when I watch her sleep, I always think about not ever hearing her voice again. Sometimes when I watch her sleep, I always think about that day.

Thursday, July 31, 2008
These Are The Fast Times
It is now 1:45 pm as I am writing this story. I can't believe it is the last day in July, it is just so hard to believe. These are definitely the fast times, because the days go by so fast. I tell you, I can barely keep up with the days. I don't know if I am going to be able to keep up. I definitely need to get more sleep at night, but I know that would be hard for me to do . All I am doing is working this summer, but when the fall come I hope I will be able to go back to school. I would like to remind people that it is good to play the lottery, because you never know. I like to play the powerball, and I don't buy no more than 3 tickets. The lottery that I participate is the Education Lottery. Every dollar that I spend will go toward education, so if I don't win anything, I wouldn't feel bad because I would be helping, so they can have money for school Among other things, I forgot to wish Chris, my nephew a Happy Birthday on Monday 7/28/08, he is either 13 or 14 years old. Time is just flying, I remember when my nephew was only 5 and now he is 13. They grow up so fast, and he is getting tall to, he is almost as tall as me, but I am short.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Build It, Shape It, Mold It, Fold It
It all started with a song, that I will never forget
This thrill beats the chill of just holding it all in
It is the power, needed through the hour, that gives me desire
the sound, so profound, what was once
Lost has been found. It was just the spark I needed to start the fire
To make it through the darkest hour
This is phrase that I will praise to make it through my days
And it has helped me see the other pieces of me, bringing out the best in me
This attraction gives me satisfaction, and it is time to take action
It is time to take mind to places it has never been before, time to make
The water flow. Put, it to the test and try your best, just forget about the rest
If you want it, you can get it, If it is in you, you will feel it.
It is time to build it, shape it, mold it, fold it, like you want it.

Monday, July 28, 2008
Learn To Like This
I didn't like this when it all started, it became a duty,. I never thought I could learn to like this. I just never thought that I could learn to try to be happy where I am at as of now. It is amazing how you have grown on me. I use to take it all for granted, but now I know to never take anything for granted. Take time to say hello to a neighbor, it is a great feeling. I now know it is good to treat people with kindness because it is possible that they could be your saviors. Most of time that might not be around when you need them most, but just keep that in mind. I realized that I need people, and it is going to be hard to live without them. At first, I did not care about it, I just I never thought I would become so comfortable with something that I resented in the beginning. I just had to learn to love it, it just grew on me. It is always going to be a love and hate relationship in everything you do, so why worry. I guess I going to have to get used to the world, and just learn how to live in it. When I leave here, I think I going to be prepared for any challenge, because it is so overwhelmingly stressful. So, stressful, until I feel like some damage has already been done, maybe this is the reason why people go crazy and lose their mine, due to all the stress that they have. I ready to take the next step, but who is going to chance it.

Saturday, July 26, 2008
Stay Happy Through The Sun And Rain
When It is raining in the city, and everything slow downThe rain is like a break from a busy day in the sun,It like a break from the heat of warm summer day.It can be relieving sometimes, The rain, is like a break from the busy dayIt is a time of reflection, if you can stay calm throughout the thunder and lightningI say let it rain, because the sun will shine again'I will be alright through the storm but I don't know about anyone elseI sure everybody will not feel the same way because they are so used to the sun shining,they are so used to the heat, there not happy unless the sun is shining but me I try to stay happy through the sun and the rain.
The rain is like a break from a busy day in the sun, I think we need to have that balance, a mixture of sun and rain, a taste of earth, and water t o quench our thirst. It like a break from the heat of warm summer day.It can be relieving sometimes, but many came cope with rain, the darkness, the clouds, it bring forth sadness in some people, but a world without clouds and rain would wither. It is important to realize that you can't have sun all the time, it would cause a drought, and everything would die, and we need water, because water is life, water brings the dead back to life. Who wants sun all the time, it just full of a bun of harmful uv rays, that can attack your skin cells. Most of the time you have to use protection, because if you don't it can do some serious damage to you.


Friday, July 25, 2008
Rekindle An Old Flame
It is amazing how I can just rekindle an old flame. Something that was once the latest trend, is back in style. Just because you take a break, doesn't mean you have lost love for something that you once loved. No matter how much time and space you have, you will always have love for it, so why fear. It you can always feel the desire and passion for something no matter how much time you spend away from it, it must be real. Don't worry about taking a break, because if you still feel the same way you did the first time you envied it, then you don't have anything to worry about. Try living without it for a couple of months and then analyze your feelings. Try living without it for a couple of years and see how you feel, if you can live without if for that long. If you find out you feel the same about this love after all these trials, and after all the time and space then you will know that it is real. Take time away don't be afraid, you want lose it if you love it. Time and space can't break this union, so why fear. Most of the time we are scared to wait, and put things off, because we are scared, maybe this is a sign, maybe this is not what you were called to do in life. If it goes away maybe, maybe it was not meant to be.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Arduous To Decipher
This is all a mystery, you will never be able prognosticate what transpires in the mind in general, I don't know if a person can actually read a person's mind. I would assume that it would be arduous to decipher. I don't think a person can decipher a person's mind unless they tell you what is going in their mind or show some kind of evidence. It reminds of a secret that somebody keeps, until that decide to reveal. It is amazing how a person can have so much power with their thoughts, you can keep secrets, you can tell the truth you could lie, you can manipulate, it like you have the power you are in control. Many secrets are kept in the mind, and there would be no way to decipher it, you can assume and make assumptions, but you will never know what to believe, I could tell you anything and you could believe it, and it is possible that you will never know the truth. Believe what you want to believe because the mind can be like trickery. You have to be cautious with all these ideas forming in your mind, the only advice I could give is to just follow your heart and activate all 5 of your common senses. Sometimes you can feel if it is right and sometimes you know when it is wrong.
I think timing, is important, sometimes an idea can come to mind when you need it the most. It just a natural thing, and you never know, so don't waste your time trying to figure out when it is going to come to you. Your thoughts can really take you on a ride, it will seems like you getting somewhere, then suddenly you stop, it like being on a racetrack and then suddenly crashing into to wall. All kind of thoughts come to mind throughout the day. When I am dealing with a negative thought, I try to drive it out of my mind, replacing it with a positive thoughts, it is a great way to fight torturous thoughts. Those negative thoughts can really attack, it can start from the inside out. It can really lead to self destruction, so I think it is better to try to change the way you think before it is too late.

Monday, July 21, 2008
Dawn Of A New Day
It feels like it is just the dawn of a new day, many people have really lived their life and have experienced more than I have in just a couple of years. I have made so many sacrifices, and I think I am starting to regret them. I think it is because I have the ability to adapt to things that I am not really into. It can be difficult for the average person. I really don't think some people could live like this. Many people think life is about doing something that you love, but sometimes we have to lie to ourselves and do what you have to do in order to survive. Some people have so much intelligence, and never have the opportuntiy to try to live their dreams. Some people spend their whole lives, working for nothing, my mother talks about this all the time. She has been working every since she was 14 years old, and now on the brink of retirement she is still going. Life is not supposed to be this way, and it is not all our fault. I usually have to spend my time living a lie, it may sound sad, but I don't love everything that I do. I rather be spending my time doing something that I really love, but for now I just go to do this in order to survive. I certainly would rather be doing something that I love rather than something that I dread, but it just seems like I just can get pass this point. I think I might be stronger than I thought I was cause many would have moved on a long time ago. You might think I'm attached to something, but I think once you are away from something you will start to get use to being away from something. I have never even rode in plane before. The furthest I have ever drove was to Atlanta. If I go beyond these borders it would be a crime to my parents, but no big deal to me. I'm breathing but I certainly not living life, when all you do is work. And how can we live life if that is all we do, I am so used to living like this, it would feel so weird if I had one day of fun, because I am so used to my normal routine. Even though I am a adult sometimes I still feel like a child, because I have not experienced many things that so-called normal boys and girls have experienced. It really doesn't really bother me because I don't want to be like all of the average normal boys and girls. I really don't think I ever wanted to be like them.